On a special occasion, the dessert might be presented with pomp and circumstance – The lights go out, the candles are lit and blaze their way across the room as a room full of friends and family sing…
The next day, if you’re lucky, there’s still cake left. Only now, you don’t have to bother with all the ceremony. Just pull up your fat pants, grab a fork and go to town on that bad boy. Second helpings can be even better.
Today, the menu is leftovers: the leftover stats that didn’t make it into the last post. These tasty morsels may be even better than the first helping. Prepare yourself for :
These are the words people type into Google, and that blessed algorythm offers them my site. Then, the real crazy part happens: the searcher actually chooses to click on the link to my blog. Out of all the other – presumably better – choices offered. My blog. Really?
In just the past week, a couple of curious searches have led somehow to my digital doorstep. Like “bent leg drawing” for instance, or “paintings of apples from above”. These are curiously specific. Was somebody deliberately looking for something they vaguely remembered seeing before, but couldn’t remember where? Or are bent legs a new fetish that I’m not aware of?
Some searches are obvious:
- “Gabriel Garbow” – now that makes sense
- “lila freeman of brooklyn” – look out, Lila, someone is trying to find you, and they know what borough you live in!
- “tatayana & gaberial” – this either refers to the drawing I did of a russian girl I decided to call Tatyana, or someone who went to art camp with me and another girl whose name really was Tatyana is trying to track us down. I really like the alternate spelling of my name, too. I like to say it out loud, sounding like “magisterial”.
- One person even wrote, “email@example.com” – so close. You just needed to make that @ a . and you wouldn’t have had to search at all!
A few left me more than a little concerned for the other person:
- “couple conflict painting image” – a bit worrisome, and I’m not at all sure why this would lead to my site.
- “chicken scratching in schools” – just… odd.
Some of my favorites, mainly for their absurdity:
- “what is lurid noir” – now this has to have been typed by someone who had already visited my site, had seen the post I wrote with this caption, and wondered what the heck it meant. As though the things I type have to make sense. To answer the question: “lurid” means intensely or sickly vivid – this was used as a reference to the color scheme of the drawing. “Noir” is french for black. It is also a term that has been associated with a certain genre of dark, gritty thrillers in movies or novels. If you don’t remember the post, click here, and you’ll see why “Lurid Noir” was an apt descriptor.
- “shelf life little debbie cakes zebra” – I think this person was the last remaining speaker of latin, since word order apparently means nothing to him or her. (wasn’t latin really loose about word order?) Seriously, those things have a shelf life of nearly 3000 years.
- “bitelton food” – I have absolutely no idea what this means. The only rational thing to do in this case is to type it into the ol’ search engine and then click randomly on whatever links pop up… one second… I got no exact matches, so I’m not closer to discovering what kind of food bitelton is, but I did find out why this led them here. An excerpt from one post reads: “I started poking around a bit. Elton John turned … album of arty hip-hop on which every song has a food-based theme.”
- “Is plum pronounced plume?” – I can actually help with this one: no, it is not.
- “dry hulled aceh bukit” – it may sound like jibberish, but it’s actually a very specific kind of coffee referred to in one post.
- “Best logos with bent stick figures” – sorry, no stick figures here, either.
The two “families” of searches that have brought me the most visitors from Google were both inspired by songs, but they were not typed in a way that leads one to believe the searcher was looking for the songs, but rather had a need for more practical information on the subjects:
- “Even Walls Fall Down / How to build a Retaining Wall” – lots of folks out there wanting to build these landscaping features instead got the opportunity to waste their time looking at watercolors of my my front yard.
- “What color retaining wall with a red brick house” – I doubt my blog was of any use to them; there are no red brick houses to be found on these pages. But now that I’ve typed “Brick House” I wonder if I’ll get any clicks from people looking for lyrics to that Commodores song?
- “Pretty Rash Down My Spine / Rash on my Spine” – I had no idea that spinal rashes were such a common affliction. I hope the pictures on my site soothed the pain these people were feeling in their desperate search for answers. But why didn’t they go straight to WebMD… or better yet: an actual doctor?